Artistic integrity

Let me tell you all a little story about the movie industry.

It takes liberties with the real story.

I finally caught a screening of the latest flick about my life “Batman Begins”. As mentioned the other day I am already rolling in royalty-money so I knew it had to be at least OK.

It was awesome! David S. Goyer you are the greatest writer since…I don’t know anyone else who has adapted a decent comic? Who wrote Blade? Oh, you did. Well that’s it then, you are the greatest. You are without precedent. You are the Muhammad Ali of comic book screenwriting.

But I have to warn the casual viewer about a few things, the aforementioned liberties.

While it is nice to believe that I am, in fact, playboy millionaire Bruce Wayne; that is just a fanciful theory. Wayne has been seen at the same galas and parties that I have had to rescue from the clutches of countless villains. Not to mention all the times I have saved Wayne from kidnapping.

Sure the death of his parents would give him motive, thinking about them everyday, wishing that he could have saved them, living in the empty shell of his life, trying to fill that space with justice by saving the people of Gotham, night after night watching what his parents strived to…

Um, anyway I’m not Bruce Wayne, end of story.

Also my first car was a (short-lived) second-hand Honda Civic that I painted black with house paint.

I was wrong to say that this movie had nothing to do with Joel Schumacher’s hideous versions. Chris Nolan inserted a veiled homage to Schumacher with the subtle, yet distracting, addition of Katie Holmes’ nipples. Those who say that they didn’t notice them are lying.

This is the coolest Batmobile yet. It is much, much, much cooler than the last two cars from the “nipple-flicks” and also much cooler than my Bat-Honda.

I wasn’t sure if I liked it at first, but I am so sure now. Apparently they made these as real cars and they can do everything that you see in the film. So I may have to make an offer on one.

For those of you who are wondering, I currently drive a converted Toyota Prius (you do NOT want to run out of gas when chasing criminals). And The White Stripes, Get Behind Me Satan is currently in the stereo.

I haven’t posted in a while. Where have I been?

Like I’m going to tell you! I’m Batman fer Chrissake! Oh, I’ve been staking out the mob-house down on the pier. Jeez, guys.

That stuff about the mob-house was a joke by the way. All mobsters down at the pier you are not currently under surveillance. Or are you? No, you’re not.

Or are you? No. I’m just messing with ya.

But seriously, stay outa trouble.

So imagine me, “the” Batman. Stern, dark, shadowy haunting the nightmares of the criminal underworld. Now imagine me grinning from ear to ear like the Joker, holding wads and wads of cash (which I may swim around in later) after this weekend’s takings of the new Batman movie.

Adrian kindly wrote and said: “Batman Begins is the best comic-book based movie ever made. In my opinion. Unless the sequels are better!”

Thank you Adrian. The bat-team here enjoys feedback.

I believe that with the line “Unless the sequels are better!” Adrian is implying that the sequels ARE better. But the sequels haven’t been made yet, unless Adrian is talking about the J. Schumacher “nipple-flicks”, Batman and Robin and Batman Forever, in which case Adrian is crazy (or Adrian is a pseudonym of J. Schumacher).

This can mean ONLY one thing. Adrian is some kind of time traveller! Trust me I’m the world’s greatest detective.

I personally have yet to see the new film, but I am told by Bat-friends (and some people I shook down for evidence) that it is a “visually stunning piece of film noir”.

Take THAT Spiderman!

It's been some time hasn't it. I'm gonna pull out the old "I've had a cold" line that every blogger uses when they've been absent.

Actually I've been discussing with my lawyers about the merchandising rights for the new Batman film. With my completely non-biased opinion I suggest you go and see it. Many, many times...with lots of friends, or at least lots of people (if you have no friends).

I would like to apologise to Walter. I'm sorry Walter, we couldn't get an answer to your cartoon book question. I suggest going to a comic store and asking the sweatiest, greasiest, most rotund person there (failing that the goth-looking stick figure who is also greasy and will sniff at your question in disgust) and ask them...they'll know.

The other day, to change the subject, Robin and I went out for a Sprite as our secret identities, (no I will not tell what they are Riddler, stop emailing!).
When I went to pay for them my card declined (I knew satellite TV in the Batmobile would put me over the limit).

Well it had been a long day and a stupid shouted at the clerk: "Don't mess with me pal, I'm Batman!".

The Clerk was like: "Dude, you so are!"

I was madly motioning for Robin to get the memory gas. Sometimes I wish I could just SMASH stuff up like the Hulk. (If the Hulk can get his haircut at a normal barbershop, then why doesn't it come off when he's fighting badies?)

Walter

I may be the World’s Greatest Detective, but even I cannot help young Walter.

If anyone knows, you will!
There was a moment in JLA history where someone with great powers took you all into the turbulent mind of a child, who could be seen in the middle of a swirling chaos in his own mind... who turned out to be the Joker.
What WAS this a part of? I have a feeling it was "Tower Of Babel" but I can't find it!
Help, Batty!

Perhaps you can help dear reader?

My memory of events tends to get clouded given the numerous moments the timeline is changed.

I’m fairly sure that Tower of Babel is the one where I get kicked out of the JLA (don’t think I’ll forget a thing like that Aquaman!). But I don’t know if I remember being stuck in the mind of a child. That happened to Robin and the Young Justice crew a few years back though. He said something about Impulse (Kid Flash) beating the Joker in there.

Ps. Walter’s previous comment was:

Ah, nipples.
I remember them well.

So we all know where Walter’s priorities lie (in terms of remembering stuff at least).

So the headline read: Major crime busted up by the “Batman”

Wanna hear how it went down? Mr Freeze was trying to steal the world’s oldest diamond from the Gotham Museum of Natural History. He had frozen everything, including the guards, with his freeze ray thingy. Somehow he had modified his armour so that he didn’t need his helmet anymore.

Robin and I smashed in through the skylight and then surfed down the backs of two dinosaur sculptures that happened to be in the same exhibition hall. Freeze’s thugs were dressed as hockey players (no irony there) but luckily we had our bat-ice-skate-boots on. We wasted the thugs but Freeze zapped Robin after yelling out “You’re not taking me to the cooler” in a barely comprehensible accent. I really should have seen that coming and just punched him (or whacked him a bat-a-rang or something) the second he started to speak.

It’s like that bit from Steve Zissou: “You never say, ‘I'm gonna fight you, Steve.’ You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch.”

That was awesome. Shame it was Mr Freeze though because the nipples on my bat-suit hardened up like you wouldn’t believe.

Yeah I’m just yanking your chain. Here’s what really happened.

A bunch of guys botched a bank raid and had a bunch of hostages. I told the police to wait until it was dark (which only took an hour). I threw some smoke bombs around, used infrared goggles (not even bat-goggles) to find the guys and take them out methodically one by one. After they realised that it was me a couple bolted for the door but Batgirl got one and Robin got the other. Nice and clean.

No theatrics, no one-liners, and no nipples showing (at least I didn’t see any).



Playing on the Bat-Stereo: Fly My Pretties (a band from New Zealand I was alerted to by a batblog reader)