Does anyone out there know when "a door isn’t a door"?

Or do you know a 9 letter word that means “Squandering”?

Or do you know where a green suited crazy-man might hide a “mega-laser”?

The Batcomputer is on the blink. I even had to write this on Nightwing’s laptop.

I have been alerted to a crisis on infinite earths by Batblog buddy Bip (thanks Bip). Well maybe not “infinite” but at least four or so earths.

Green Arrow, the Flash and even Robin have all disappeared from the blogosphere! In the alternate universe called “Marvel” the mutants have been falling as well. Tony Stark (who was just “outed”), Sue Richards (Invisible Woman played by Jessica Alba in the poor movie adaptation), Dr Henry McCoy and criminal Madeline Pryor have all met with similar fates.

These meta-human-blogs now stand silent, their final words echoing endlessly in the void of the internet…

Flash

Hey guys, whadya think of my new banner?...

Beast (McCoy)

Research calls - as does Will & Grace. I must admit that I'm a fan. The ensemble cast are brilliant!...

Pryor

I'm sending this holy pain in the ass back to limbo first thing in the morning…

Ghostly, isn’t it? So many good friends lost… NoooOOOOooooOOOOO!!!!

But Spiderman and the Incredible Hulk are still going strong and protecting the innocent and Dr Doom is still… um… endangering the innocent.

I will leave the links of the dead on my sideboard so as to honour their memory. But I might group them into a little area by themselves.

Who will blog for those who cannot blog for themselves when the world’s mightiest bloggers have gone? Mmmm… deep.

[Strong Language Warning Batblog Buddies]

What’s with the angry people? Even the spammers are nice (considering all the shit they get for being evil bastards). It’s bad enough with all the violence in the world without people getting all pissy on the internet. Don’t like my blog? Then move on to the next one retard.

But you know what? I’m Batman, motherfucker, and I don’t need this shit from random blog readers. Alfred had to dig a broken knife tip out of my shoulder this morning (maybe it was yours, anonymous comment-leaver) and Mr fucking Freeze managed to get away after he set an apartment building on fire (yeah I know I wasn’t expecting it either).

As a vigilante I am allowed four uncontrollable fits of rage where I can beat someone to the brink of death, per year. So just fucking watch it! Oh and I turned on the anti-comment-spammers option. Take THAT evil-doers!

With “Angry Batman” all stowed away following his rant, “Cheerful Batman” will take over.

Hooray for the Steelers! Because of their black and yellow colour scheme Batman is a fan of the Steel Curtain. I also follow the New Orleans Saints (even more so this season), but they don’t have a running back called “the Bus” (not that Deuce McCallister isn’t cool).

Like I mentioned above Mr Freeze was up to no good the other day. It was his usual brand of diamond heist: Freeze a few people; snatch the stones; make some kind of “super freeze ray” to take over Gotham. Yawn. So I swung in for the take-down and just when I was expecting a pithy one-liner and his freeze-gun, out comes a flame thrower!

As a vigilante superhero you have to be ready for anything, but come on! He’s not called Mr Flame. Turned out later that he had mugged Firefly for the flame-gun. I had to rescue all of these people from a building the Freeze managed to torch (that was also when I got knifed by an over zealous henchman).

Don’t worry, I’ll get him. I’ll also get those Jax Jags for their nasty interception return in over time (which has just happened). Rashean Mathis, I’m watching you.

In other news I scouted out Gotham Park after there were some sightings of a “plant woman” there. This is just a hunch at the moment but I think it might be Poison Ivy.

Ivy, like all my female enemies, has a bit of a thing for me. I can see why, I am a very handsome man, even with a cowl on. Way better than Christian Bale…seriously.

Finally here is a strangely accurate cartoon I found here (click image for larger version):

Wooooooo-oooooo-oo-o

What a party! I must have been out of it for weeks. Man last thing I remember was this redhead wearing…I dunno some kind of “plant dress” thing…offering to buy me a drink. So I was all like “sure” and that’s the last thing I can recall.

Robin said he found me by the river with a stupid grin all over my face and my wallet empty. Lucky I had all my Bat-stuff in my other pants.

See it was one of those gala fundraisers that I have to go to and get liquored up to maintain my appearance as a billionaire playboy… shit! Um…sorry that should say “Brazilian playboy”, that’s right my secret identity is Brazilian. (He he he, suckers).

Robin’s been going to all the local haunts to try and find out stuff about this “plant woman”. I have been drinking raw eggs blended with B-vitamins. Yes it does taste that gross.

So while Robin’s out and about I though I’d stop the old blog and see what was happening…

Vegeta came by and said:

I'm In the Batcave now let's glue some nipples onto all your costumes Muwhahhhaaaaa! Now let's see what's on your computer ok what's with all the pictures of Supergirl in compromising positions

Oh grow up Vegeta. And those pictures are not for other people to know about.

Galen popped in and said:

Give Bruce my regards

I do not personally know billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne but if I see him I will pass on those salutations…because I’m not him you know…seriously.

Bluelily18 worried me by saying:

Batman,

Well, I have to say, it's certainly about time. I was wondering when you'd post again. I was getting worried ^_^.

TTYL ^_^

First I’m worried because people have been reading this regularly and I have been so damn lax. Secondly, the always welcome, Bluelily18 included some strange code: “TTYL ^_^”. My Bat-computer can’t figure it out. It seems I have another nemesis who sends me crazy codes.

Finally 122272 came past and told me that:

[My blog will] be in a totally different area than yours (mine is about penis enlargement reviews) I know, it sounds strange, but it's like anything, once you learn more about it, it's pretty cool. It's mostly about penis enlargement reviews related articles and subjects.

Penis enlargement is cool? People review penis enlargements? What is a penis enlargement-related subject? Yes that will be in completely different area to my blog which has, to this point, yet to mention or review penis enlargement. [God forbid this guy becomes one of my nemeses].

I am so sorry that I have had so much down time bat-fans, but I’m back now and criminals had better……

Sorry had to go throw up; stupid drink-spiking plant-woman! Where was I? Oh, yeah. Bad guys, watch it! [Note the picture of me looking fearsome]

Where have you been?

O blog, how I have abandoned thee.

Here is a run down of bad guys taken down since I last posted:

• Joker
• Killer Croc
• Riddler
• Harley Quinn
• Joker
• Alien invaders
• Robin (I told him to keep his part of the cave clean)
• Joker
• Magneto (in some crazy cross-dimension thing)
• <>and Joker

I swear to god I am going to go over to Arkham and review their locks!

I laugh at all the criminals who are now complaining about petrol for their get-away cars. Ha! As I mentioned before I drive a converted (or pimped) Toyota Prius. As such fuel shortages do not worry this Dark Knight.

I have been doing some research. If my calculations are correct then the Steelers are looking good to take AFC. I have pre-ordered my new jersey and it should be here soon. Here is a crude artist’s impression. Very, very crude.

Well that killed ten minutes of “downtime between robberies and murders here in Gotham. So long and keep your nose clean!