It's been some time hasn't it. I'm gonna pull out the old "I've had a cold" line that every blogger uses when they've been absent.

Actually I've been discussing with my lawyers about the merchandising rights for the new Batman film. With my completely non-biased opinion I suggest you go and see it. Many, many times...with lots of friends, or at least lots of people (if you have no friends).

I would like to apologise to Walter. I'm sorry Walter, we couldn't get an answer to your cartoon book question. I suggest going to a comic store and asking the sweatiest, greasiest, most rotund person there (failing that the goth-looking stick figure who is also greasy and will sniff at your question in disgust) and ask them...they'll know.

The other day, to change the subject, Robin and I went out for a Sprite as our secret identities, (no I will not tell what they are Riddler, stop emailing!).
When I went to pay for them my card declined (I knew satellite TV in the Batmobile would put me over the limit).

Well it had been a long day and a stupid shouted at the clerk: "Don't mess with me pal, I'm Batman!".

The Clerk was like: "Dude, you so are!"

I was madly motioning for Robin to get the memory gas. Sometimes I wish I could just SMASH stuff up like the Hulk. (If the Hulk can get his haircut at a normal barbershop, then why doesn't it come off when he's fighting badies?)

Walter

I may be the World’s Greatest Detective, but even I cannot help young Walter.

If anyone knows, you will!
There was a moment in JLA history where someone with great powers took you all into the turbulent mind of a child, who could be seen in the middle of a swirling chaos in his own mind... who turned out to be the Joker.
What WAS this a part of? I have a feeling it was "Tower Of Babel" but I can't find it!
Help, Batty!

Perhaps you can help dear reader?

My memory of events tends to get clouded given the numerous moments the timeline is changed.

I’m fairly sure that Tower of Babel is the one where I get kicked out of the JLA (don’t think I’ll forget a thing like that Aquaman!). But I don’t know if I remember being stuck in the mind of a child. That happened to Robin and the Young Justice crew a few years back though. He said something about Impulse (Kid Flash) beating the Joker in there.

Ps. Walter’s previous comment was:

Ah, nipples.
I remember them well.

So we all know where Walter’s priorities lie (in terms of remembering stuff at least).

So the headline read: Major crime busted up by the “Batman”

Wanna hear how it went down? Mr Freeze was trying to steal the world’s oldest diamond from the Gotham Museum of Natural History. He had frozen everything, including the guards, with his freeze ray thingy. Somehow he had modified his armour so that he didn’t need his helmet anymore.

Robin and I smashed in through the skylight and then surfed down the backs of two dinosaur sculptures that happened to be in the same exhibition hall. Freeze’s thugs were dressed as hockey players (no irony there) but luckily we had our bat-ice-skate-boots on. We wasted the thugs but Freeze zapped Robin after yelling out “You’re not taking me to the cooler” in a barely comprehensible accent. I really should have seen that coming and just punched him (or whacked him a bat-a-rang or something) the second he started to speak.

It’s like that bit from Steve Zissou: “You never say, ‘I'm gonna fight you, Steve.’ You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch.”

That was awesome. Shame it was Mr Freeze though because the nipples on my bat-suit hardened up like you wouldn’t believe.

Yeah I’m just yanking your chain. Here’s what really happened.

A bunch of guys botched a bank raid and had a bunch of hostages. I told the police to wait until it was dark (which only took an hour). I threw some smoke bombs around, used infrared goggles (not even bat-goggles) to find the guys and take them out methodically one by one. After they realised that it was me a couple bolted for the door but Batgirl got one and Robin got the other. Nice and clean.

No theatrics, no one-liners, and no nipples showing (at least I didn’t see any).



Playing on the Bat-Stereo: Fly My Pretties (a band from New Zealand I was alerted to by a batblog reader)

Keeping The Peace

What a great few nights I’ve had!

The other day, after a tip from Oracle, Nightwing and I put aside our differences and went and busted up Killer Croc. The tip-off told us where he was hiding, a newish apartment down by the river. It was quite nice, a lot of room, balcony, and a ledge, outside the windows, that is perfect for lurking on; I really like these old warehouses that have been changed into yuppie apartments (I may have to invest in some).

You always want to take Croc by surprise, so we observed him through the French doors. Croc was sitting on his couch wearing a Minnesota Vikings hat, a Jervon Kearse Titans jersey and pants (thank god). His new plasma TV was showing the NFL draft on ESPN. I always thought Croc was a Saints fan.

Croc reached for some nachos and spilled greasy cheese down the front of his jersey. He roared in anger and NW and I decided it was time to break this up.

Croc looked genuinely surprised to see us. A “biff” and a “pow” later and he lay unconscious on the floor. We decide that this set-up was too good to waste and grabbed a handful of nachos and watched Aaron Rogers finally be selected by the Packers. I prefer the Bears; they have a gritty determination that appeals to me.

Anyway, three games of Madden later (Patriots 2: Bears 1, I hate the Pats), Croc started stirring; we decided that instead of having to carry him ALL the way to Arkham we would just leave him with a warning.

Last night it was actually really quiet. In fact nothing happened. I love those nights because I can swing around or drive the Bat-Mobile really fast down the highways.

Just for laughs I went down to one of the dives near the docks and shook down some guys. You got to keep the criminals cowardly and superstitious. Then I went home and mucked about on the internet. I replied to Superman’s TWENTY emails about the agenda for the next JLA meeting, (Christ on a stick! Who cares if the paper is doubled sided or not!).

Oh and I see that Oracle has put up a post. Batgirl is still quiet but that’s her thing I ‘spose.

On the Bat-Mobile Stereo: Roots Manuva – Awfully Deep

Ho-lee Crap!

What the hell is going on here!

Alfred and I get back from the A-city to find my cave is a mess. There’s beer cans everywhere! Someone (probably Robin) has been downloading Destiny’s Child and Kelly Clarkson MP3s onto the Bat-computer and Bat-iPod.

Also there are twinkie wrappers and half drunken bottles of coke under the seats in the Bat-mobile (which no one was allowed to drive). And someone has replaced my new Beck CD with Avril Lavigne in the Bat-Stereo.

Why does Batgirl have a big bruise on her forehead? You know Oracle is going to tell me everything so you may as well confess right now. And it doesn’t take the “World’s Greatest Detective” to know who put chocolate fingerprints all over my bat-suits.

Also Nightwing, I will speak to you later about certain “images” I found in the Bat-computer under a file called “Dick’s Stuff Keep Out”.